This is a follow up to my blog post about my experience with burnout. In the thick of it, I decided to do something within my control and I purchased the book “Burnout: The Secret to Unlocking the Stress Cycle” by Emily and Amelia Nagoski. Dr. Emily Nagoski also wrote a book that is highly talked about in the sex therapy world called “Come as You Are” which I started but have not finished yet. Anyway, back to the subject at hand. I purchased this book in hopes of helping myself as well as my clients as I have so many in the same situation and I wanted to be able to provide them a resource.
When I initially started the book, it felt somewhat prescriptive and academic. However, the more I got into it the easier it got and I was hooked. In chapter 3, they introduce this idea called the “Human Giver Syndrome”. Here’s the thing, this is not a new concept to me, I just never knew it had a name. The human giver syndrome is the idea that you have a moral obligation, meaning you owe it to others to be “pretty, happy, calm, generous, and attentive to their needs”, believing that if you fail at any of those things you are a failure as a person, believing those failures deserve punishment and believing these are not symptoms but actual facts. Let that sink in for a moment. I am, by no means, saying men don’t experience this, however, as a cisgender woman, I can tell you this is how we are conditioned from early childhood and that is absolutely atrocious. This mindset also promotes the idea that self-care is selfish because “how dare you put your needs first” as you are meant to serve others. Insert puke emoji here!
Not only does this teach you to be docile and of service to others, it also cements the idea that love is conditional and based on what we DO for others versus being loved for who we are. We are called human BEINGS for a reason, we are supposed to be, be exactly who we are in whatever way we want to be. The human giver syndrome is also synonymous with a woman’s identity being tied to being a housewife. Think of all the housewives and moms we seen in television growing up. They were dressed, primped and proper by 6:00 am making a full course breakfast for the family while also maintaining the house all day and having a five-course dinner ready by 5:00pm. What fucking world is this?? Every time I seen this in shows my thought was “that’s not real life” but I never allowed it to consume or create any imposter syndrome related to how I am as a mom.
The key to not falling into the human giver syndrome is to find meaning FOR YOU. Find something that gives you purpose, something that lights your soul on fire and fucking DO THAT. We are not put on this planet to only serve other people. It is our job and responsibility to make ourselves happy, take that power back and give to YOURSELF! You fucking got this! ~Stef
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