I am staying home to rest today. I will not check work emails past work hours. I will say no to helping someone if it does not suite my own needs at that time. I will keep my child away from people who are unsafe. I will protect my energy from vampires trying to infiltrate my psychic field with bullshit. What are these statements? They are fucking BOUNDARIES. Many people may read them and say they are statements of a selfish person, someone who doesn’t want to help, someone who is not willing to sacrifice for other people. Those people couldn’t be more wrong. But let me tell you something. Ten years ago, I would have thought the same thing, because that is how I was raised. I was raised to always do for other people, to always help no matter what, to always put family above everyone else, including YOURSELF. I would drop everything to help someone in need, I would go above and beyond for others even if it meant sacrificing sleep, alone time, family time whatever. Do you know where that got me? On a fast track to RESENTMENT BLVD. I resented everyone who I went above and beyond for because I was sacrificing so much including my own mental health. I would go out when I didn’t feel like it, I would do stay at work for upwards of 13 hours when I was salaried, I would respond to emails, texts, phone calls immediately as if my life depended on it, and I would rarely say no. why you may ask? Because I had this complex that if I didn’t do it who would, who would go the extra mile for clients or other co-workers, what would they think if I said no, will they be mad if I can’t help? You name it, I thought it. And now, at the age of 36, I have come to realize, other people’s reactions to me setting boundaries, their perception of me, their impressions of me, ARE NONE OF MY FUCKING BUSINESS. And you want to know why? Because at the end of the day, they don’t matter. I cannot control how another person feels about me declining an invite to hang out or to attend a wedding or a party. I can only control myself and if I feel for whatever fucking reason that I cannot attend something, or I cannot come over and help you with something and they get upset, THAT IS ON THEM. I am one person, I am human, and I have needs and I have to put myself first, because if I don’t, WHO FUCKING WILL? NOBODY, that’s who!
I have accepted that boundaries are a vital part of life. They are necessary to protect my energy, my son, my family, my friends, my clients, you get the point. I set firm boundaries in work of what I will and will not do, clients I will and will not see, behavior I will and will not tolerate in session, as well as letting them know, when they call or email me, I will respond within a reasonable amount of time, but also I am not at everyone’s beck and call. I learned to stop apologizing for being late or missing a call and instead thanking them for waiting and being patient. There is no reason to apologize for protecting my piece. As a therapist, I talk to people ALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL day and at the end of the day I don’t have any more energy to talk, that is a boundary I have had to set with others when they would feel some type of way about me not answering or not being very conversational after several hours of processing through others emotions. At the end of the day, protecting your space, your peace, your energy, your soul, your whatever the fuck, is ESSENTIAL, it is necessary to keep making moves and to be happy. If someone has an issue with you setting limits or boundaries, that is a THEM issue they need to work on, not a YOU issue boo boo.
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