The first time I can genuinely remember grieving was summer of 2001, I was 17-years-old, and my best friend, who was pregnant with my godson at the time, moved a thousand miles away. I remember I cried all night long because I felt like I was losing a piece of myself and I didn’t know how I was going to make it through my senior year of high school without her. That was before there was long distance calling or even free minutes after 9pm (IYKYK) and I had to purchase calling cards and schedule phone calls with her, we made it work! I was scheduled to go to FL for the birth of my godson and then 09/11 happened, my godson was born Sept 14, 2001. I was never really taught how to manage my emotions, let alone grief, and my next experience rocked me to my fucking core.
On August 31, 2003 I was informed that one of my best guy friends had died in a car accident. I literally didn’t believe it because I had just seen him two days prior at a party. I was 19-years-old, 19-year-olds are NOT supposed to die. All of us came together to grief the loss of our friend and it was nothing like I had ever experienced, I had a lot of thoughts of “well if he could die, that means I can die” as well as sadness for myself and all of my friends who were also grieving. Between then and August of 2004, I lost two more people, my maternal grandfather and a paternal uncle. While my grandpa had been in a nursing home for several months at that point was not in great health, he also was not old by any means. My uncle on the other hand, struggled with severe mental health and substance related issues and his death was abrupt and unexpected, he was in his 40s. Again, I had no idea how to process the grief, I just felt it and cried a lot.
I’ve watched best friends and even my ex-husband grief the loss of their parents which is absolutely gut wrenching. Losing my mother-in-law six weeks after getting married was unimaginable, I had no idea how to help him and I knew nothing would take away his pain. My father-in-law passed May 23, 2021 of COVID and despite being divorced for two years at that point, he was still very much my father-in -aw. That was my son’s first experience with grief and he was 7, I panicked and told myself I had no idea how to help him navigate it, but I did and he handled it well. Sometimes, I forget how much knowledge I have as a therapist when it comes to being a mom.
Fast forward to Thanksgiving 2022, I woke up to a text message from my mom in the middle of the night informing me that my cousin had passed. We were 38, born exactly 7 days apart and I was shattered. The reality of this situation is that I grieved the loss of him for years due to his substance abuse issues. I anticipated this call for at least the last 10 years, but it didn’t prepare me for when it actually happened. I had so many conflicting and confusing emotions related to his death and how our relationship had been nearly nonexistent for years. For a long time, I put his feelings first, I put my family’s expectations of what “family is supposed to do” first. It wasn’t until my son was born that I said I refuse to subject myself or him to any of that and I removed myself from the equation. I don’t regret my decision, but I do have feelings about how his life came to an end.
Throughout my life, my family has always been a pet family, so in the past, I have lost family pets. On May 11, 2023, I had to experience the loss of one of my dogs whom I raised since he was 8 weeks old. The grief that I experienced during that transition for him was so difficult, pair that with the overwhelming grief and sadness of my 9-year-old, it was almost too much. I knew I needed to be the strong one of the situation, as I was the one to take him to be euthanized. I put on the brave face in front of family as they said their goodbyes, made it more of a positive goodbye than a sad one. I wouldn’t have had it any other way, I needed to be the one to take him and I needed that time alone in my car to have my own moment. I do not regret my decision, he was suffering and he knew it was his time, but fuck, that was a hard moment in time.
When we are in the throes of grief, there is this idea that it will never change, it will never get “better”, you will always be sad. These are very black and white thoughts mixed with fortune telling. Grief doesn’t get “better” or “easier”, but just like anything else, we learn tools to cope, As I have gotten older and have done the work, I am so much more capable of allowing myself to feel these feelings without allowing them to consume me. Does it still get overwhelming sometimes, yes, but I am also able to tell myself that I am allowed to feel what I feel and I give myself the space and time to do so.
Please don’t ever let anyone tell you that you are not allowed to grieve a certain situation. You can grieve a divorce EVEN IF you initiated it. You can grief the loss of a relationship (any kind) EVEN IF it is toxic and you know it’s not healthy, you can grief the loss of a job EVEN IF you are also happy to leave. Grief is complicated and it’s NOT linear, please don’t shame yourself for how you experience grief. And remember, you fucking got this! ~ Stef
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