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How to be Assertive Without Being Bitchy!

Writer's picture: Stefanie PalmerStefanie Palmer

Being assertive means expressing your thoughts, feelings, and needs in a confident and direct manner while respecting the rights and boundaries of others. We CANNOT control if someone perceives us to be bitchy/a dick when we are expressing ourselves. HOWEVER, there is something to be said about your delivery in expressing your thoughts/feelings/needs/wants that we can control in order to limit the likelihood of us appearing aggressive (aka bitchy/a dick). Let's explore them shall we?


1. Use "I" statements: Instead of making accusatory or generalizing statements, focus on expressing your own thoughts and feelings. For example, say, "I feel frustrated when..." rather than "You always make me angry when..." If you come at someone with "you pissed me of when...." they are no longer listening to YOU, they are listening to defend themselves.


2. Be respectful and considerate: Treat others with respect and empathy. Maintain a calm and composed tone of voice, and avoid using derogatory or offensive language. Tone is everything, ask my mom, she'll tell you all about it!

3. Practice active listening: Give others a chance to express their viewpoints and actively listen to what they have to say. Show genuine interest and respond thoughtfully, reflect back what they said to you in order to show you heard them.

4. Use positive body language: Maintain good eye contact, use open and relaxed body posture, and engage in active listening cues like nodding or smiling. This demonstrates that you are engaged in the conversation and willing to find a resolution. If you're sitting across from someone with your arms crossed, brows furrowed and are bouncing your leg, it may appear you are being abrasive as opposed to welcoming.

5. Use a firm but polite tone: Speak confidently and clearly, but avoid being aggressive or confrontational. Use a friendly and calm tone of voice to convey your message effectively. Ya'll know I love to cuss, but in a serious conversation where I am being vulnerable and expressing my thoughts/needs/feelings, swearing doesn't have a place, it feels abrasive.


6. Choose your words wisely: Use clear and concise language to express your thoughts and needs. Avoid unnecessary qualifiers or exaggerations that may come across as rude or offensive.

7. Practice assertiveness techniques: Learn and practice specific techniques such as the "broken record" technique (repeating your point calmly and consistently), "fogging" (acknowledging the other person's opinion without fully agreeing), or "the sandwich approach" (delivering constructive feedback by sandwiching it between positive statements). this last one (sandwiching feels must less "attacky" and much more empathetic).

8. Maintain perspective: Remember that assertiveness is about expressing yourself, not trying to control or manipulate others. Respect the opinions and boundaries of others, and be open to finding a compromise or common ground.

9. Practice assertiveness in different situations: Start by asserting yourself in low-stakes situations and gradually build your confidence to handle more challenging conversations. Practice assertiveness with friends, family members, or colleagues to improve your skills.



Remember, being assertive is about advocating for yourself while maintaining respect for others. By practicing these techniques and developing your communication skills, you can effectively express your thoughts and needs without coming across as rude. Ya'll got this, I promise! Feel free to report back, I'd love to celebrate you! ~Stef


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