Duuuuude, we all know these people. The people who argue about everything because they always think they’re right, the people who need to prove they know more than anyone else in the room, the people who refuse to be less than perfect. Welp, I am embarrassed to admit I have been this person nearly my entire life. I was reflecting on these traits about myself the other day and it all comes down to insecurity and feeling inadequate. Both are huge issues in my life which I have been working on for years. I am proud to say I have come a long way, even if I have setbacks sometimes. All my life, I have been told I am beautiful, I am smart, and that I have a lot to offer. Ask me if I believed any of it…..the answer unfortunately is no. Why you may ask, because I constantly compared myself to other people, I was constantly chasing perfection, perfect grades, perfect looks, making sure to never show flaws or weakness, I NEEDED to be the best. Where do you think that led? If you guessed disordered eating, constant body shaming, constant negative self-talk about how I’m not doing enough/ I’m not perfect enough as well as living in misery for years, you would be correct. If I tried something new and didn’t immediately perfect it or at least look as though I was perfect, I would angrily quit or at least talk shit about why that activity was stupid LOL. Ask my parents! I won my first pool tournament when I was 10, my parents owned a pool hall for 20 + years and the second week, I played again and got knocked out and I was like “fuck this I’m done!” Wanna to know why? Because pool is fucking hard lol! I played softball for over 10 years and I was great, but there were games when my pitching was not on point and the pressure to carry the game was all on me and it was too much. When we lost, I was convinced it was my fault. Don’t get me wrong, I am beyond thankful I had those experiences because I have so many memories from my childhood but what I did to my self mentally was not okay.
My parents knew what I was capable of as a child, I was reading before I ever stepped foot in a school, when I was 3 or 4 my parent’s friends would comment on how talking to me was like talking to a mini adult, and when I began developing, I was developing rapidly, meaning I always looked older. I was expected to get good grades, A’s and B’s and anything less likely led to being grounded. When it came to boys, I was always striving to be the girl all the boys had a crush on and since I’ve had tits since I was 8 that wasn’t hard. However, that led me to believe I was only a body, not someone to actually like (this is still something I struggle with now even after being married and divorced). Because I knew I was intelligent, I often found myself believing I was always right and knew everything. Ah, ignorant bliss at its finest LOL! I have always been a passionate person about my beliefs, and in my 36 years of living I have come to see the positive and negative sides to that trait. I can be passionate about what I believe in, however, I do not need to judge someone for their beliefs or argue about why they should not believe them or why they should not do something. The comparison game is a dangerous one. Social media has us believing everyone’s life is a fucking hallmark movie, when in reality it likely is not. I embrace my challenges because I know they will teach me and mold me as all my previous challenges have. Even as a child I was comparing my ten-year-old drawing to a Disney cartoonist and wondering why mine didn’t look the same, and sadly my six-year-old has been doing the same thing. Thankfully, I recognize it and I am doing everything in my power to make sure he can challenge those thoughts. I have FINALLY come to the realization that perfection does not fucking exist and that I am a whole ass woman, flaws and all. I no longer make such valiant attempts to prove why I’m right, I decide what deserves my attention and what does not. I embrace the fact that while I am intelligent, I do not and could not know everything. I am a forever student and I love it because I love to learn. I am more open to feedback and do not take offense when someone provides it as I know it is for my growth. If this resonates with you, my hope for you is that you will realize you are enough and you are an amazing human just as you are.
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