Let’s talk about illness, not COVID-19, not the flu, nothing like that. I want to talk about the illnesses people can’t see or don’t know that you are struggling with every day of your life. See, I have several invisible illnesses and as of today I have another, that is chronic that I will carry with me for the rest of my life. At the age of 25, I was finishing my Masters degree, planning my wedding and had just found out for the first time in 10 years I would be unemployed due to my work closing its doors, I was also diagnosed with IBS. I had never felt pain in my stomach like that before yet nobody knew I was struggling unless I said something. At the age of 26, I was diagnosed with hypothyroidism and Major Depressive Disorder, and I was placed on medication for both. Since I was a teenager, I have had debilitating migraines that have only gotten worse as I have gotten older. I have been to four neurologists, an allergist, a migraine specialist. I have had CT scans, MRIs, surgery to fix my sinuses in hopes it would help my allergies and my migraines. I’ve tried acupuncture, a round of medical Botox, countless medication trials and yet here I am, still suffering. There are days I cannot even bring myself to get out of bed. My journey with all of these health issues has been overwhelming. For the past two plus months I have been dealing with inflammation and joint pain, I was brushed off by my primary care physician who literally asked me if I had been eating a lot of salt…..ma’am do you think I would spend the money to come to the fucking doctor if I knew I was just retaining water from fucking salt? NO. They then referred me to rheumatology. Xrays, lots and lots of bloodwork and an MRI later, I was given the diagnosis of Rheumatoid Arthritis, at the age of 36.
When I first began seeing the rheumatologist there was talks of either RA or Lupus and I grieved. I grieved for the potential loss of my physical strength, my ability to do things with my son, my ability to function at times, and what this would all do to my mental health. Now hear me out, I am fully aware this is not a death sentence, I will survive and I will thrive because that is what I do. BUT, this is an autoimmune disorder that will have for the rest of my life that will hopefully be managed with medication and perhaps diet. I am a really fucking stubborn bitch so when someone tells me “oh you won’t be able to do that with RA” my response is “watch me bitch”. That is just who I am, I like to prove people wrong, I like to prove myself wrong. I like to push my body past its limits, I like to see how far I can go before I can’t go anymore. However, in the last year, I have learned I need to listen to my body and rest when I need to. I don’t have to live in the fucking rest phase, because I know that will cause a negative spiral quickly. But resting for a day is not the end of the world and in fact it is needed. I share this because I know that I am not the only one suffering and to know you are not alone is a validating feeling. WE ARE WARRIORS IN SILENCE and we are strong.
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