I am going to be 100000% transparent right now and tell you that I did not truly internalize this concept until maybe the last two years. My entire life, I equated pain with suffering no matter the cause or circumstance. Unless we are taught differently, this thought process will continue and we will inadvertently perpetuate our own suffering. Let me explain.
In life, we will go through horrendous, traumatic, sad, frustrating, shocking, emotionally exhausting things. Whether that be death, health related issues, breakups, moving residence, homelessness, addiction (yourself or a loved one), natural disaster…I think you see where I am going with this. The reality is, we cannot protect ourselves from these things, nor can we predict them. I want to tackle this topic from two angles. First let’s talk about prediction…..
This is an example I give to my clients who struggle with (sometimes) crippling anxiety. When we are attempting to predict how we would emotionally respond to an event before it happens, we are putting ourselves through something more than once or in some cases for no reason! Here’s a way to understand what I’m saying. I KNOW that someday my parents will die. NO amount of mental preparation would EVER prepare me for how I will feel when that happens. So, I can do one of two things, perpetuate my own suffering in preparing myself for their death someday and how I would react to this news, even though they are still alive and well. OR, I can accept that I have zero control over the reality of death and I can take advantage of the time with them. I can be present with them. I can interact with them while they are here. Does this make sense??
Now let’s discuss things that have already happened we feel we are still suffering with. Let’s talk about a breakup/divorce/separation. You have the choice to RADICALLY ACCEPT this event occurred, OR you can perpetuate your own suffering by continuously obsessing over how sad it made you, how unfair it was, how you have unanswered questions, how you didn’t want it and feeling like it could have been different. Do you see the trend here. These things feel out of your control, therefore you throw yourself into figuring out why it happened or perhaps you perseverate on all the happy memories, completely forgetting the not so happy ones. If you refuse to accept what is reality, your suffering will be endless. I’ve lost people close to me in my life and if I refused to accept that loss, I would have stayed stuck in utter sufferance, and for what? That will not bring them back, it will not make me feel in control to remain in suffering, and it sure as fuck won’t help me heal.
So, the next time you are sitting there thinking “why me” or “is this ever going to get better” or “I’m always going to feel ‘xyz’ about ‘abc’”, I would URGE you to challenge yourself. Ask yourself, do I want to continue to fight reality, or to I want to accept what I cannot change and forgive myself for remaining in this state for so long? My guess is forgiveness, compassion and radical acceptance will win. I see you, I hear you, and I no longer want you to suffer. Remember, you fucking got this! ~Stef
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