The next question I wanted to address is a juicy one, no pun intended (wink, wink)! The question was “how do I bring up a new kink I want to try with my partner”? There are quite a few parts to this question so let’s start with the basics.
Make sure it is the right time and place to discuss this, your dinner date night in public may not be the best course of action! Perhaps sitting with yourself to take some notes on what it is that you want to express would be helpful. Perhaps noting, where you first heard of or seen this kink (i.e. a smutty romance novel, a friend, porn etc), as well as what feelings came up for you when you learned of this kink (i.e. excitement, curiosity, intrigue, etc) and sharing those aspects as well.
Before you start the conversation, prefacing it with “I’d like to talk to you about something related to sex, is that okay?” Consent is huge. If they agree, next I would also state (if this is true) that you are satisfied with your current sex life, and that what you are going to bring up is not because you are unsatisfied but instead you are wanting to try something new! Sometimes it can feel scary to bring something like this up because there is a fear that our partner will think we are dissatisfied with how things are or have been. I work with plenty of clients who have certain kinks or fetishes and they do not engage in them with their partners and they are still satisfied. Adding a kink or fetish element to your sex life can be a way to bring passion back if you feel it’s been lost, it can be exhilarating instead of terrifying.
Next, be prepared to explain this kink to your partner, especially if it is way outside anything you have experienced together. This may also take some research as well and that’s okay, it’s also okay if you don’t have all the answers, it can be a learning experience for both of you.
I know porn is NOT for everyone, however, I personally feel porn can be a fantastic learning tool. You can find snippets of videos or gifs of what you’d like to try and share them with your partner if they are in agreement to try something new!
It is imperative to remember that if your partner does not consent or expresses some hesitation to trying, radical acceptance has to occur. If it does not, resentment and frustration could build, you could personalize this by thinking “do they just not want to do it with me” or perhaps there may be some discomfort when sex does occur again after this conversation. Talking about sex is a vulnerable experience in and of itself, so hats off to you for WANTING to have this talk! Remember to be present in the conversation, don’t just listen to respond or defend your desire to engage in this kink, instead listen to how they are feeling about this conversation and what concerns they may or may not have.
The more we talk about sex, the easier it gets, just like anything else. Go into it with confidence and trust that you are safe to talk about your needs and wants! ~Stef
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