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Writer's pictureStefanie Palmer

Sexual Confidence...A Journey!

As a certified sex informed therapist, I often get asked how one can gain sexual confidence and be more assertive in the bedroom! Gaining sexual confidence is an important aspect of a healthy and satisfying sex life, without question! It's important to note that sexual confidence is not just about physical appearance or performance; it's also about emotional and psychological factors. Here are some steps to help you boost your sexual confidence:



Self-acceptance and body positivity:

Accept your body and appearance as they are. Understand that there is no one-size-fits-all definition of attractiveness. Talk to your partner/partners about what they love about your body, ask them to describe what they see when they look at you. You are so used to looking at yourself with your own eyes, you don't realize what others see! When you do look in the mirror, focus on what you love about your body and build self-esteem from there. Engage in self-care practices that make you feel good about yourself, such as regular exercise, a healthy diet, and proper grooming, as you see fit.


Communication is key:

Open and honest communication with your partner/s about your desires, boundaries, and fantasies is essential. Being able to express your needs and listen to your partner's preferences can boost your confidence. Discussing sexual health and safety is also important for building trust and confidence in your sexual encounters. Talking about sex should be a regular conversation you are having, whether that be things you want to try or things you want more/less of in the bedroom.


Knowledge and education:

Educate yourself about human sexuality. Understanding anatomy, sexual response, and different sexual techniques can increase your confidence. Consider reading books, attending workshops, or watching educational videos on sexual health and relationships. I am a protonate of using porn to educate yourself as well. It can be a great teacher of what you want or don't want or are willing/unwilling to try! Obviously, sex workers are well versed and can make things look easy understanding that it likely will not be as easy at least not the first time, is essential as well!



Masturbation and self-exploration:

Masturbation can help you become more in tune with your body and your own sexual responses. This can boost your self-confidence by allowing you to understand what brings you pleasure.Explore your own body and learn about what turns you on. You cannot expect someone else to know what makes you climax if you, yourself has no idea!


Practice makes perfect:

Like any skill, sexual confidence can improve with practice. Experiment with different sexual activities and techniques with a willing and consenting partner. Don't be discouraged by initial setbacks or insecurities. Remember that sexual experiences can vary greatly, and not every encounter will be perfect. No two times will be the same and that can be the fun part! Also, if there are things no going well BE HONEST.


Manage performance anxiety:

Performance anxiety can negatively affect sexual confidence. Relaxation techniques, such as deep breathing or mindfulness, can help reduce anxiety. I often tell people to use their senses when they find their mind wandering. What do you see if front of you, what do you smell, what sounds are you hearing from your partner/s, what do you taste? All of those questions are forcing your brain to be back in the present moment of what you are currently experiencing versus the laundry list of chores to get done! Understand that occasional difficulties or challenges in the bedroom are normal and should not be a source of long-term stress, and do not feel shame in talking about it.



Self-assurance and self-love:

Developing overall self-confidence in your daily life can spill over into your sexual confidence. Work on building self-assurance in various areas of your life. Engage in activities that make you feel good about yourself, pursue your passions, and surround yourself with positive influences. Build mastery in life and watch it translate into your sexual life as well!


Seek professional help if needed:

If you have deep-seated insecurities or past trauma affecting your sexual confidence, consider seeking therapy or counseling. A qualified therapist/sex therapist, like me, can provide guidance and support. I've worked with people who have experienced trauma and found it physically difficult to engage in sex, I have worked with individuals who had never masturbated and once they discovered it was not a shameful experience, a whole new world opened up. I've worked with individuals on accepting their kinks and deconstructing the shame around them, and I have worked with sex workers to reduce shame associated with their career choice! Nothing is off limits.


Remember that sexual confidence is a journey, and it may take time to build. It's also highly individual, so what works for one person may not work for another. The key is to be patient with yourself, communicate openly, and focus on developing a healthy and positive attitude toward your own sexuality. And remember, you fucking got this you sexy bitch!



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