September is suicide awareness month, and it includes suicide prevention week and world suicide prevention day. Growing up, I knew that my maternal grandmother died when my mom was four-years-old, but for the longest time she would not tell me HOW she died. When I was probably 11-years-old, my mom finally shared with me that my grandmother completed suicide and despite my mom being only 4 years-old, she remembered the day like it was yesterday. My grandmother had attempted suicide multiples times previously, she was subject to horrific physical and sexual abuse, and she struggled with severe trauma and mental illness even underwent ECT therapy before completing suicide on August 10, 1968. Sometimes, I think learning this about my grandmother sparked something in me to help people never feel like she did and to be someone who helps people.
As a psychotherapist, I could talk all day about my extensive history with working with suicidal children/teens and adults. A bulk of my career was working in a psychiatric hospital with individuals who made (sometimes multiple) attempts to end their life. I want to clear up some misperceptions about suicide based on that experience. Here we go….
“Talking about suicide with someone will make them do it”…. FALSE, you cannot MAKE anyone do anything, it is a choice, but what I can tell you from working with hundreds of suicidal individuals is that they WANT to talk about it. They want to feel seen, they want to know someone cares, they want to feel heard, they want the pain to go away. In the position I was in, I conducted daily safety checks asking if they felt suicidal, whether or not it was active or passive, if they had access to means (i.e. weapons, medications, ropes, etc), as well as intent. As a baby therapist (i.e. a new therapist) that was very intimidating and I took on a lot of responsibility, sometimes too much and it impacted my daily life outside of work. I care about people, I care about their well-being, I never want people to feel like they need a way out of life. However, I have come a long way in my career and my own inner work to know that is not within my control.
“Suicide is the easy way out”…. According to WHO is suicide easy? Seeing the ramifications of unsuccessful attempts, I can tell you it is not easy. When talking with someone who is suicidal and creating a safety plan, one thing I always ask if “why are you still here?” and that may sound insensitive to some, but my clients appreciate my approach. Another way to ask is “what are your reasons for living?” Some people will have a plethora of things and some people may have one, ONE is enough for me. If I am working with someone who has attempted, I will also ask how they feel about the attempt not being successful, and I would say 90% of the time, people will say they are happy it was not successful. For the other 10%, we work endlessly together to find reasons for living, future orientation and taking it one day at time.
Let’s talk about the difference between active suicidality and passive suicidality. Passive suicidality can look like feeling like you’d rather not wake up tomorrow, or if you got hit by a bus you wouldn’t care, or maybe that you just don’t want to live like this anymore. Active suicidality is having an actual plan, access to means, and intent behind the action. Both are serious, however, both are handled much differently. If someone you know is struggling with suicidal thoughts I would urge you to suggest they seek help from a professional. I understand the concept of helping a friend who is feeling unsafe, I do, but I also know the ramifications of said friend who then feels extreme guilt or shame when they aren’t able to help and that is entirely too much pressure.
There are so many resources for someone who is struggling with suicidal thoughts. Here is a link to find hotlines based on where you live https://findahelpline.com. These are anonymous and they are here to help in times when you feel hopeless. At the end of the day I hope all my clients feel seen/heard and validated in my presence. You are worthy, you are wanted, you are loved, and YOU FUCKING GOT THIS!
~Stef
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