This is gonna be a deep one…..A few weeks ago before bed I was reflecting on my own behaviors, thoughts and perceptions and it got me thinking. As you may or may not know from reading the “About Me” section of my website, both of my parents had very traumatic upbringings, from completed suicides to immigrating to a foreign country to flee an abusive household in search of a better life. Because of their upbringings and life experiences they were VERY strict with me. Pair that with a daughter who is headstrong and starting developing and maturing VERY young and well…you get the picture. My mom was a stay at home mom and she literally needed to know every move I made, who I was with, who I was talking to, what I was watching, what I was listening to (I will NEVER forget her catching me listening to Dr. Dre’s Chronic album and losing her shit on me bahahhhaha, granted I was like 10, but still!) and so on an so forth. As a child I was CONVINCED she was trying to ruin my life or any ability to have fun despite her telling me it was to protect me. Like okay, I get it, you wanted to make sure nothing terrible or traumatic happened and wanted to prevent that as much as possible, but as a headstrong child/teenager, that was NOT my mentality.
My parents had high expectations for grades, I was and still am, a very smart person. I was reading before I ever stepped foot into a school and have been told adults felt like I was a mini adult in conversation at the age of 4. With that being said, I put so much pressure on myself to be perfect, MY WHOLE FUCKING LIFE. I felt as if that was EVERYONE’S expectation of me. I was a “popular” girl but I was also a very hated girl. When you start to grow tits at the age of 8 or 9, girls don’t take kindly to the attention the boys give you. This was the worst in middle school, I was bullied relentlessly by older girls and it turned me very cold and very mean, but that’s a different blog entirely. Back to feeling controlled.
When I was in high school and began dating my boyfriend, my parents were very hesitant and strict, I wasn’t allowed to go to his house unless it was for a special event, he wouldn’t come over because he was terrified of my parents, and my mom assumed that because he was my boyfriend and I was a teenage girl, we were definitely having sex, well…surprise, we didn’t. Having super strict parents paired with your best friend getting pregnant at 17, was enough to terrify me into not having sex! Because my parents were so strict, I was very secretive (unless you were my friend then I told you everything). I was conditioned to hold things in, to keep my composure and to remember that “[my] behavior was a reflection of them as parents.” Let’s unpack this, do I think that sometimes this is true, yes, if you are a parent who uses physical punishment with your children, generally speaking, they will react the same way when angry toward people, meaning they are a reflection of you. In my case, I felt I ALWAYS had to present as perfect, as someone who never got into trouble, who never made mistakes, who was “lady like” (insert extreme eyeroll and laughing emoji) because of who my parents were. My dad is a very well-known person in our city and even outside of our city, therefore I was always under someone’s watch. People always felt the need to tell my dad when they seen me out, anywhere, doing anything, at any time…..I can’t even explain to you how frustrating that was.
Feeling like you are constantly under a microscope of judgment is EXHAUSTING and leads to hiding who you truly are because of how others will perceive you. I lived my life like this until I left my marriage. I had it in my mind that I was my dad’s daughter, my ex-husbands wife, and then my son’s mom, and that translated into needing to present a certain type of way. My spiritual beliefs were hindered because it was clear they weren’t acceptable to others, dressing in a certain type of way that draws attention was not acceptable, my colorful vocabulary has always been an issue (that I will not change), and I learned that my reactions to life needed to be controlled as people could not handle it. Again, this led to an intense need to have control in my life. This led to controlling every other aspect of my life that I possibly could, trying to control conversations, control what happens outside of my own home, controlling every aspect of my environment. THIS IS NOT HEALTHY, this is a trauma response due to how I perceived the world around me, this led to obsessive thoughts and actions, extreme reactions to stress or change, or anything that felt outside of my control. You know how many times I refused to “let myself” cry because I didn’t want people to see me upset or because I wanted everyone to think I had my shit together, spoiler alert, I DON’T, and I am okay with that. I am proud to be a strong woman, an independent woman, but I now have a much different definition of strong. Strong is not holding back tears, internalizing your emotions and being a martyr. Strong is surrendering to your emotions, crying when you need to, using your words to express how you feel or what you need, and taking care of yourself, always, taking care of yourself.
Want to know what I have learned……I AM ONLY IN CONTROL OF ME. As hard as it is to accept sometimes, I am in control of my emotions. I am in control of what thoughts I choose to entertain or choose to let go. I am in control of doing things that I know make me happy. I am in control of the words I use when I react to something. Despite the fact that I am a mom, I do not control him, I don’t ever want him to feel controlled. I want him to feel like he has the freedom to feel how he feels, say what he wants to say, believe what he wants to believe. Don’t get me wrong, I still have expectations and I will still implement rules, but I am trying my best to raise him to be his own person and to not give a flying fuck about what others think.
I can’t stress enough how OTHER PEOPLE’S OPINIONS ARE NONE OF YOUR FUCKING BUSINESS! People are going to judge you no matter how fucking “pure” or “nasty” you are, JUST DO YOU! We have one fucking life, one short lifetime on this planet, why the fuck are you living it for other people????? When I finally internalized that I cannot control everything in my life, I realized I no longer wanted to. Do I still find myself wanting to control things, yeup, it’s a 36 year old habit to break, it’s gonna take time. The important thing is that I am aware of it and when it happens, I recognize and call myself out. I surrender to the moment and remind myself I cannot control how someone will feel, how they will react, or how they view me. I FINALLY love myself; I finally feel like I AM myself, and I will NEVER let anyone take that away from me ever again. I hope this resonates with you and you find some validation and peace. Remember YOU FUCKING GOT THIS!
Comments